I can live up to the expectations of my loved ones and yet be special in my own way
Her eyes welled up with tears when I met her, coincidentally she was wearing a grey dress with large red roses strewn all over. Leela, a teenager has aced her examinations, all her life, however she was unable to make it to a premier college here. She had expectations from herself and more than her, the people around expressed their shock and pity when she couldn’t make it! She shut herself up in her room for some time, to avoid weird reactions from people.
Comparisons often arise from stereotypical expectations of ourselves and others from us. Isn’t it OK to not succeed at times or not to be the “intelligent” person that you’re expected to be all the time and let go … let go and relax, try existing at times in that zone somewhere between being ‘intelligent’ and ‘dull’. I call that the ‘grey space’ and you don’t need oodles of grey matter to live there.
As a student I was brilliant and made it to medical school but after the second semester I realised that I wasn’t cut out for this field as I failed my anatomy exams, dead bodies made me queasy.
My calling lay somewhere else. Leaving medical college and pursuing economics, made many an eye roll, tongues wagged, there were various rumours spread by envious relatives and acquaintances about what could have pushed me out of medical college and that too after acquiring a ‘merit’ seat.
A dark phase in my life, when my parents hung their heads in shame, wasn’t I always supposed to be that docile nerd that our society expected of me? Here I was studying a subject that I loved but I somehow felt guilty to feel happy about it because, “What would others say?”
A professor successfully pulled me out of this phase when she opined, “Things are never like the way they are ‘supposed’ to be, as perceived and expected by our society. It’s not always black or white; there’s a shade that we ignore, it’s called grey.”
One of our friends is so neck deep in debt just because he felt the need to keep up with the Jones’, they bought cars, clothes, shoes and all else on credit and way above their means. There’s a difference between healthy, reasonable aspirations and the need to compete with others just to gain an ego boost!
There’s a zone in between that keeps you rooted; I aim for the stars, I do … but I am contented if I reach even the chandeliers. It may not be celestially lit up but it isn’t hellishly dark either. My friend, Mrs. Kohli dons a pair of Louboutin and my face lights up with adoration however I am contented with my humble pair of sandals.
As a mother, Tina tried to attain perfection by giving up her job to be with the baby when he was born. Now that the child is a few of years old she wants to go back to work; pangs of guilt surround her being. A “perfect mother” is what her immediate world wants her to be, she says.
Her mind oscillates between being that “perfect mother” painted in white and the “imperfect mother” coloured in black. What about that “grey” colour, I ask. Why can’t you just exist in that shade of grey and be a “happy mother”?
While I paint, any colour to which a mix of black and white or rather ‘grey’ is added, appears more toned down and subtle. Grey is a transition between black and white. It is discreet and aloof. It has a calming effect on other colours with which it comes into contact, making them more alluring!
Life is grey. I can live up to the expectations of my loved ones and yet be special in my own way. Realising this makes it easier to accept others as well as ourselves as we are. That, I would say is balance.
Navanita Varadpande is a writer based in Gurgaon, India. Twitter: @VpNavanita
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